I am determined (I keep telling myself) to do a much better job of regularly posting here. As a matter of fact I have been so determined that I have written my latest post at least a dozen times; the problem is that I have written it in my head, in my dreams, in bits and pieces on a napkin - in every imaginable format except here where it belongs!!!!
I have come to the realization that it could very well be that I was trying to write what I thought everyone needed; or, perhaps, I was trying to write something that sounded encouraging, uplifting, and maybe even smart. Unfortunately, none of those things were what God has placed on my heart. And I am going to be honest – my heart has been working overtime lately.
This is definitely a season of change in our homeschool, our family, and for me personally. Honestly, I haven’t been quite sure how to take it all. Jeff (my husband and I) dated nearly five years before getting married and were married for nearly four years before we had our first child – one of our beautiful daughters. In those eight plus years I had a minimum of 14 jobs; no, I didn’t work two jobs at one time and no I was never really out of work. I would go to work for a company and be immediately at watch for the next best thing, my perfect fit. Each place I went had its benefits but it wasn’t the fit I was looking for. My talent seemed to be landing the job more than keeping the job; every place was always missing something – I was always missing something. Keeping all of this in mind, no one was more surprised than I as God revealed one of his purposes for me - the path of a stay at home mom. However, that is exactly where He led me and that is exactly where I have been for over 19 years and in those years I have been certain of one thing without waiver. I absolutely LOVE being mommy. I can’t think of one think that I feel I have missed or am missing; this is my perfect fit. That hasn’t changed; mommy is still my favorite name. However, even though my heart hasn’t wavered or changed – the world around me hasn’t stopped changing and that includes my children. Can you believe they are growing up?
Many of you know my oldest daughter started college last August (I can’t believe the year passed so quickly) and that was an adjustment; now she has her first official “suitor.” A very sweet young man who loves the Lord and is crazy about our “Sunshine.” We see God’s provision and constant work in the midst of everything; this new phase is exciting – but boy has mom found a couple of the pills hard to swallow. I am realizing that instead of being right there and witnessing each of the moments first hand, I am going to have to be content with her play by play or abbreviated rendition – AFTER THE FACT. I have over 100 pictures of the first dance she every attended and now I’m getting second hand renditions and NO pictures. Home for break is no longer a given; there are opportunities to study abroad, trips with friends, extra courses, and various other factors invading my space! What?!
Don’t worry – we still have our youngest “Twinkle Star.” She doesn’t have her driver’s license but she’s been invaded by the teenage years. She’s growing up right before our eyes and I keep trying to find the pause button. Morning cuddle in mommy’s lap time has been replaced by a hug with legs dangling in all directions. Oh, we can’t stop there, no – the hits keep coming. She is becoming independent, self-reliant and finding her own voice. Yeah, Yeah, she has always had her own voice – it’s just getting louder and she’s getting bolder.
Really? God do you not remember that I told you I was perfectly happy with my little girls – I found my perfect fit; I am not shopping for the next thing anymore. Listen closely, that may indeed be a little bit of self-pity that you hear. Are you ready for this? If I’m not careful and I allow myself, I could hang out on "feel sorry for me lane" for a rather long spell. But alas, that is NOT the example that I would to instill in my girls, that’s not what I want them to think of when they think of me, and that is not going to make me more useful to The Father. I have no choice – I must slay that dragon and embrace the beauty of it all. Oh my - How very beautiful it is.
Abbee has patiently waited for God to reveal Himself and His plan for her. She is surrounded by Godly friends, immersed in His Word, and embracing each element of His handiwork. Wow – how comforting and how exciting. How beautiful it is that she has chosen Him and not repeated the mistakes of her mother at that age. Hang on to your seats; that’s not the best part. The best part are when those moments arise…the moments where she is tired, frightened, excited, overwhelmed, overjoyed, or trying to make a decision, They are great moments because I don’t read about them on Facebook or Twitter. I don’t seem them condensed to 15 seconds to play out on Vine or Snap Chat - I hear the phone ring and I know it’s her because her calls have their own special ring. I am shocked at the reaction of others when they learn that she has chosen to have that conversation with me. I am delighted that God has allowed me that sweet moment and I look forward to and even long for the next one.
Cassee, though no longer a baby face, has morphed into this young lady determined to be who God has intended her to be and seeking out those spiritual opportunities. She is strong and not easily swayed by popular opinion or peer pressure. She knows only one setting – 100%, wide open. Yes her legs do spill over from my lap but I know this because she still chooses to sit in my lap for a visit or a simple hug. She is a champion for the underdog and always seems to be seeking opportunities to make an impact or reach a heart. She doesn’t let on easy to what bothers her or even if there is an issue at hand; but she takes time for whomever God has placed on her heart. She leaves her smile everywhere she goes or has gone. It’s always on her face and in the hearts of those who know her.
In no way will I imply or insist that it isn’t hard. It is; but, it’s the best hard known to a mom. The one where you are no longer caught up in what you’re missing or no longer have – but instead – you are in awe of the beauty that God has placed in your life; especially since that beauty is wrapped up in the package of your children.
The moral of the story…the pause button doesn’t work with time and if you keep looking for it and arguing with the circumstances you aren’t going to be able to see the beauty that invades your space and longs for your recognition. So, by all means, shed your tears but clothe them in the joy of His beauty and the fact that it calls you “mommy!”
